Chez Lazy Che

The revolution better be televised or I'm going to miss it.

The Scrooge, the Mooch, and the Red Scare.

Seeing as how it’s become a hot button topic for the upcoming election, I’ve begun wading in the waters of economics.

Well, it’s nice of you to join us in the land of adulthood, Pan. Economics is a consistent part of the modern life and I am personally shocked that you didn’t already have a grasp of the basic theory. 

It’s a murky pool of almost unceasingly theoretical situations where a few humans try to dissect and recreate the motivations of others. It’s an odd sort of discipline, but in a world where finances define us as much as our physical features, I can understand the desire to pursue it. My own understanding is much closer to “fledgling” than “master”, but I’m already somewhat caught up in wanting to figure out what makes an economic system successful, and why people use their resources in certain ways.

The more I expand my meager studies, the more I notice a few trends.

Or as economists would say, “Derivatives.”

Actually, no. They would probably just say, “trends.”

Ha. Says you. This is a whole new world, buddy. Get used to not understanding the gnomey-clature. 

Do you mean nomenclature?

Look we use weird words like Land, Consumers, and Deficit, when what we really mean is Stuff-In-Nature-That-You-Could-Use-For-Stuff, People-Who-Buy-Things, and Having-Less-Than-You-Wanted-To-Have. You’re out of your depth here, buddy. It’s about to get all wordy-weird. 

Look, I’m not here to have a vocab contest.

Ha. Listen to this guy. Like you’d have a chance. Import. Enterprise. Fiscal. 

No, seriously. I had things to talk abo-

Listen to that last one. Fiscal. Fiiiiiiiscal. Let it just sink in. Fi—scal.  Fiscal. It’s like… as a word it has an edge. Fiscal. But it’s not a rough edge. It’s… it’s… sharp, but not jagged.

In the interest of time, I’m going to ignore that, and focus my purpose here. I specifically want to talk about some of the attributes presented by Capitalism and Socialism.


They’re the economic systems that most dominate our social spheres these days, with “Yearnin'” Bernie Sanders and “The Big D” Donald Trump providing us with very appropriate avatars for each one. That’s not to say that they are the pinnacle of socialist and capitalist ideals, but that they actually look like those systems as a person.

“It just feels so” Bernie, for example, looks like the odd, simple cousin of Karl Marx, who would rather lecture his stuffed animals than take part in the Commie revolution. Though, you wouldn’t be surprised if, when questioned by the police, he shrewdly shrugged and said, “Never heard of ’em.”

“I blew my own” Trump, on the other hand, looks like a creepy, coked-up stock trader mated with an old, very used, hundred dollar bill. He epitomizes the fact that anyone in this country can become obscenely wealthy, but so few that actually deserve it ever do. I’m fairly certain that if Capitalism ever took on the guise of a human, it would be unabashedly belligerent, bigoted, and desperately trying to get into the government.

It’s hard to tell, here, if you’re not a fan of capitalism, or just really against the Donald. 

I’ll say this then, to clarify: I’m not actually against Capitalism.

Oooooh. Sassy.  And let me just say: Gross Domestic Product. Boom! That’s both a weird economic term and a Trump burn! I am so winning this post.

Lately I’ve been forced to give it a lot of thought, and I’m really not against Capitalism. It’s certainly en vogue for the youth of today to be anti-capitalistic, but in my brief tenure as a student of economics, I’ve realized that there are some good qualities that are innate to the system.

It’s adorable that you still consider yourself part of the “youth” of today.

Shut up. they don’t know how old I am.

That’s for sure. And now they’re all picturing an old fat guy with Cheeto stains and basement mold in his scraggly beard. Classic catfisher. 

Stop putting those images in their heads. That’s not what I look like at all.


I had a point to make and now you’ve broken my stride.

It wasn’t hard since you haven’t gotten out of that chair for like six months. Boom! Fiscal!

My point was that I can see the possible benefits of Capitalism. I don’t believe that everyone who has championed the system is a greedy old miser. Although, I have also become aware that not everyone who champions socialism is a lazy slob looking for a handout. They both have their strengths and their weaknesses. It just so happens that the strength of one is mirrored in the weakness of the other, and vice versa.

I thought you didn’t want a “vocab contest”? En vogue? Vice versa? Well eat this: Keynesian! Monopolistic! Oligopoly! 

The strengths of Capitalism seems to be its ability to motivate. The market is motivated toward innovation and people toward hard work without using any extra stimuli. The system inherently provides all the stimuli that is needed. It’s an effective means towards economic growth and prowess. Without our dedication to capitalistic sensibilities, I seriously doubt that the U.S. would be as powerful or as relevant in the world today.

That strength is the same as a weakness in Socialism, motivation. If wealth is distributed without directly proportional labor, or appropriately applied earning action, then why would people want to work as hard? There are no historical examples known to me where a group of people is given money without working and then still wants to work. The work itself is obviously seen as less valuable and therefore less desirable. Building off of that, there is a lack of motivation for the market in general. If you don’t need cutting edge technology or techniques in order to maintain economic substance, then what’s pushing you to develop them?

The strength of socialism is equality. The idea that money will be awarded to workers in an absolutely fair and unbiased process without some sort of regulations or oversight is very naive. That’s not even considering the people who can’t actually get work in the first place. Leaving economics entirely out of it, we live in a world where people take advantage of one another. Socialism is an attempt to minimize that as much as possible.

Again, that is mirrored in Capitalism’s weakness. Equality in Capitalism is almost a moot point. It’s a system that looks broadly at the market and assumes that everyone not doing well either doesn’t get it, or is intentionally not taking part. The general thought in Capitalistic circles around here, is that someone who doesn’t have enough isn’t working hard enough. It’s a sentiment that is perpetuated by the myth of the American Dream. Let me assure you that the wealthy people in this country did not make it there by simply working hard. There was enough raw, beautiful chance in their lives that while working hard, or being given everything, or being situated well, or in spite of having nothing going for them, they found themselves in the place of fortune.



You said you had nothing against Capitalism, and, despite my better judgment that a stupid, moderately funny, hipster blog could ever be impartial, I believed you. Now you’re about to alienate half our readers just to make some quasi-political point that may or may not be real outside of your self-described “fledgling” opinion. 

Ok. I may have begun to lay it on a bit thick, but–

Are you kidding me?  It’s already all over me, and I’m SUFFOCATING! 

Just hear me out for a bit longer, all right? I’m not saying that people who work hard will never be wealthy.

You’re damn right, you’re not.

What I’m saying is that isn’t the guarantee that people think it is.

You’re damn right, you’re… wait a second.

The idea that working hard will definitely bring you success is often misleading, and sometime completely erroneous. In a completely free market people have the opportunity to, and are encouraged by the system to create a working environment that will guarantee bigger profits. Sometimes that benefits the employees, but it will always benefit the boss more. Simply stated it is not a system that is designed for equality. It is a system that pushes people to make as much money as they can without necessarily even considering those around them.

You’re killing me, Smalls. You’re literally killing me. 

You need to go find a dictionary somewhere.

I AM a dictionary!
Droppin’ phrases from my aerie.
I tally words left and right like a verbal actuary.
I’ll send ’em hard, break you down into a mental skerry.

What is happening?



Fiscal … Out.

I had a point here … somewhere. It was meant to be that both of these currently popularized systems have benefits as well as possible pitfalls. Most importantly, neither one is the complete package. There’s a strange kind of sentiment, these days, that everyone is either in one camp or the other. The people forcing the sentiment then go on to form their own McCarthian gangs and try to beat up everyone on their respective blacklist. The truth is that the good ol’ U.S. of A. is not a strictly capitalistic government, and we are not a strictly capitalistic people. We may be the most capitalistic country in the Western world, but we do have little bits of socialism all over our government and it’s been that way for a long long time. There’s nothing to be scared of, and there’s certainly nothing to be mad about.

All that to say … I plan on abandoning both systems.

There it is! I knew you had a classic Lazy Che approach to all this. We can’t be bothered with the economic systems of the past! Nice. 

Hey, where’d you go? 

Is that the end? You’re just ending it like that? … 

Oh. I get it. It was supposed to be like a big dramatic ending. “I plan on abandoning blah blah blah.” Boom. Shock. End of post. I guess I kind of sucked the drama out by prattling on, huh? 


We’re Thinking Too Small

In the last week I have been bombarded with a cacophony of opinion pieces and sound bites that pertain to some of the most, and least, important aspects of our societal traits and functions. Our system, as it were, is beginning to creak and pop from pressure like a dented oil drum connected to a heavy duty air pump. What is that pressure, you ask? It is the natural byproduct of our unilateral shift toward individual voice empowerment via the constructs shaped by social media. It is, in essence, speech that isn’t just free, it’s empowered.

Through the embracing of social media as our primary connection to the world around us we have created a great machine. this machine builds up rampant individuality by giving the most intriguing and unique individuals the most presence in the social sphere, and subsequently the most power there. That machine has developed its own evolutionary ecology and it holds strictly to the survival of the fittest. The fittest, in this instance, are typically the loudest and most stubborn that still hold to the pillars of intrigue and uniqueness, becoming a Great Presence online.

Throughout this ecology tides ebb and flow, sometimes started by a Great Presence and sometimes causing a Great Presence to emerge. The important thing is that this social ecology is never without a voice to follow, though that voice changes as rapidly as hot water thrown into an ice storm. When someone hits that perfect conglomeration of volume, tenacity, intrigue, and uniqueness they are thrust into the ever shifting spotlight and, more often than not, a social wave is formed around them.

This machine has affected the way we feel heard, it has affected the way our society runs, and that is because it has shown itself to actually be effective. The greater, stronger waves roll over the others, silencing them and changing the entire ecology around them.  Most industries are in a stranglehold by one wave or several, and some waves are so strong that even governments change shape to accommodate them. The social media machine has not been limited to the internet. Its ecology has broken free of its digital fetters and taken a well earned seat in the real world.

A recent example of the great machine making its face known in the real world is in the debacle at Missouri University. At that university racist acts transpired and, when asked to intervene, the campus authorities were lax, to say the least, and subsequently protests broke out and the university’s president stepped down. I’ve read multiple articles, at this point, (look below for a couple examples) that suggest this happened because our colleges and “everybody gets a trophy” attitudes are turning our young adults into coddled infants who can’t handle anything even mildly upsetting without turning around and organizing a protest. To say it simply, and in a way Matt Walsh would most understand, those people are idiots.

In a world of disenfranchisement and ineffective authority people have finally found an effective means of change for a society that needs it. The fact that our parents tried to instill confidence and emotional stability, and the fact that the collegiate system has bred into us the idea that change is both necessary and possible, only set us up to fully take part in the vastly more complicated and world changing systems of modern technology and social media. It is the great machine that has actually shifted our outlook and changed our format for action. The people talked about in these articles have found the right conglomeration of volume, tenacity, intrigue, uniqueness and used it to create a social wave that forced change. And, appropriately, some of those Great Presences, i. e. Matt Walsh, big baby that he is, have used the same techniques to try forcing their own waves upon the others and create change of their own.

Right about now you’re probably a little confused at the tone of this treatise. Is this social ecology, crafted by our continued attendance to the great machine, a good thing or a bad thing? Has it infantilized us or empowered us? The easy answer here would be that it is both. It has brought about the good and bad in all of us. It has caused good change and bad change. The more difficult, and more truthful, answer is that we have yet to see how good or bad it will be, and we have yet to show whether we are actually equipped to handle how good or bad it will be.

This great machine is beginning to grow beyond our current systems. That’s one of the reason people resort to full demonization or absolute praise for its products. The balanced opinion is drowned out and lost, partly due to the nature of great machine itself. We’ve created something far bigger than we expected and we simply don’t know what to do with it right now.

My opinion is that there is something glorious here if we have the eyes to see it. There could be a revolution in the way we see and interact with our world. Right now we’re in a kind of Neanderthal stage of social media, but what happens when it evolves? Could it be the development of a truly democratic voice? A voice that is free, empowered, and not afraid of change?

To be fair, I have a lot more insane ideas about the world as it could be than most people. (And just to make certain we’re clear, I’m pro what happened at MU. If you want to see what I think about the racial culture in America there are past posts that actually deal with those complexities.) Right now I am simply fascinated by the methods of action and response that our society is beginning to adhere to, this includes the idiocy that is the Starbucks christmas cup-gate, and, despite the crazy, I still have a certain amount of hope.


Guest Post: The Marvelous and Mysterious Lady Che

Whether I exist as an actual different human being or I am the result of a Dollhouse gone awry compounding event, it makes no difference. I am the Lady Che. The secondary voices in these posts will oscillate between my children demanding things of me and The Princeton Mom. It’s up to you to decipher which is which.

You suck at husband picking.

I suck at husband picking?  You suck at your gender. Sell us out and roll the clock back 40 years, actually I wish it was 40 years, it’s some people’s modern day view point. Just the other day I looked into a board room and it was filled to the brim with white men. There was a woman actually, she was getting everyone coffee. That world still exists. They all have the same ideas and smoke cigars together, which really gives cigar smoking a bad name. The hope that the subset of our culture that truly acts that way will just die off shortly is a carrot on a stick that I don’t believe in. Those people will exist forever.

But you said I could be The President if I set my mind to it.

Of course you can baby, you can do anything. The determining factor is how many names you’re willing to let people call you on your way up the ladder.  At 3 it’s “bossy”, but you already know that. As you get older it will evolve. Don’t listen to those people.  Those people are stupid.

Mama, you said “stupid”, that’s a bad choice.

You’re right darling, I apologize.

However, there is a cruel world out there. One that my darling daughters know nothing about as of yet. Currently they believe that friendship is magic and the elements of harmony can bail you out of absolutely anything.

Let the rainbow remind you that together we will always SHINE!

That was neither the children nor The Princeton Mom, that was my husband. This is my real life. My real life at bed time. When I am in our room attempting to convey a thought and my husband is doing what he can to make bed time seem appealing. Watch out kids, it’s a trick, you hate going to bed.

MAMA, you said “hate”!

You’re right darling, I apologize.

Mama, I need snuggles, and water, and a high five, and I have to go potty, and then I’ll need you to sing me six original songs with Pinkie Pie as the subject.

They remembered that they hate bed time.

What is it that you’re trying to say?

Listen lady, I’m not trying to say anything, that is the premise of this particular corner of the internet. Do nothing, but do it loudly because you’re not guaranteed the ability to do nothing tomorrow. Right? Right. Viva la lady revolution.

Jane, Get Me Off This Crazy Thing… Called Love

From “Tweet Tweet,” Says the Birdman

I’ve wept at the voice of metal
I’ve swooned at beaten skins
I’ve strained in the patient skip of a hammer pushed by tusk

I see no colors but all colors
I breath no more, but all follows
I shatter and shake off the pressures of all my years of rust

Where do they grow these treasures?
Where are the plucking meadows?
Where do terrible boring things not drain the living from us?



There are things in this world that can’t be explained. They root through us, boring connective tunnels that somehow connect across vast distances. Love, perhaps, is one of them. Hate could be another. Friendship, guilt, gratefulness. Beauty.

Bacon. Beer. Getting them for free.

There’s a sense of the metaphysical about these things. When you look at a butterfly flitter past a flower, or a falcon soar in from the burning sky in order to make peace with its belly, there is something that occurs within yourself.

You might even say, “Holy frick! Did that thing just pick up a baby, or was that the biggest rabbit that’s ever lived?!”

You react on many different levels. Through visual recognition and image association, through emotional expression of awe or dread, through futuristic assertions of prosperity or downfall, through simple appreciation of color, symmetry, and perspective.

Some sciences attempt to explain these things as basic and understandable, but the truth is that when it comes down to what causes your brain to secrete one chemical rather than another, no one can fully explain the reasoning. The more you press the point the more opinions you will get and, likely, the more you’ll realize that we’re all just trying to make sense of it as best we can.

Unless your Freud, you mean? I’m pretty sure he was just looking for an excuse to talk about sex without looking like a creeper.

Didn’t work out that well for him, then.

Seriously. I’m pretty sure that when you look up “creeper” in the dictionary it just says, “Anyone with a goatee like Sigmund Freud, or anyone who constantly wants to talk about guys hitting on their moms.

Freud’s creepiness aside, the point I want to make isn’t really about how we can’t fully explain these things. It’s more about how, despite the fact that we can’t explain them, we desperately want to continue interacting with them. The point, my fellow revolutionaries, is art.

Again with the quick shifts. Let me just say thank you from all of us that love playing catch up.

Come on. It’s not that big of a shift. I was using the intro and everything to lay the ground work for the importance and meaning behind all artistic endeavors.

We weren’t talking about art. We were talking about falcons and Freud. Truthfully, I’d love to see some art showcasing a battle between Freud and a giant falcon, but the context you were building had to do with psychoanalyses, psychology, and the unknowable aspects of metaphysical human existence, i.e. emotional connections.

Ok. Maybe I needed more of a bridge, but I felt that jumping into the subject like that created a shocking reveal that engaged our readers sense of interest and curiosity.

You and your wordcraft. When are you gonna learn that people don’t want hoity toity. They want simple sentences with infographics. You’re gonna start losing all our readers if you don’t just get to the point.

You’re forgetting that our Revolution is primarily intended to be about words. This isn’t a movement for people who want to do things. It’s for people who want to talk about doing things. Without a good wordcraft the Revolution would have no finesse, no panache. We’d just be a bunch of beer gutted sods muttering to each other in ape like sentences.

As opposed to a bunch of beer gutted sods muttering to each other in intricate Shakespearean dialogue?

Now you’ve got it! I would never call my writing Shakespearean….I mean you can if you’d like to. Really, anyone can if they’d like to, but I never would.

Stop it. I was being facetious. 

The point is, actually, that art allows us to connect to those metaphysical and hard to explain aspects of experience in an easily accessible and reproducible manner.

When you think of artists like Charlie Parker, Beethoven, and Kurt Cobain, you have to wonder where they get their ideas.

Did you just put Kurt Cobain in the same field as Charlie Parker and Beethoven? 

So what?

Someone got into the grunge movement pretty hard.

Shut up. The point is that no one really understands where they get their ideas, or how they bring people to feel as if they have accessed a greater truth about existence.

You know people don’t really think about it like that. They just feel happy, or sad, or uncomfortable, like when Bob Dylan did all those Christmas songs.

I realize that people don’t think of it that way, but really, that’s because it’s so effective. When we hear these songs, or see certain paintings, or watch certain films, we are transported emotionally. We experience things that we would not have been able to experience without the aid of these artistic forms. Artistry has a connection to something within humanity that we only have brief glimpses of in normal unartistic life. The butterfly and the flower is a moment that only some people gain in a limited temporal and sensational structure. Artistry can both focus and expand the moment while ripping it from time and space in order to offer it to the world’s populace at their convenience.

Their genius comes in their ability to tap into the communal consciousness of humanity and display aspects of that consciousness back to them in meaningful ways. It’s as if they can access the spiritual depths and shallows of mankind They’re like squirrels who know innately where the golden nuts of meaning rest, and are able to break them open releasing the many colors of existence for their community to enjoy.

So artists are like hippie rainbow squirrels?

I think so, yes.


Anyway. I think it’s an important service they provide. They show us ourselves and help us connect in an inconceivable way to other people and aspects of our world.

Who do you think would win?


Freud or the falcon?

I don’t know. I guess I’d put my money on the falcon.

Yeah, maybe. I always thought that Freud probably had super mind powers, though. Like, he could force disturbing images into your head and cause you to have a breakdown.

In that case, I’d say Freud.

It’d be an epic battle, though.

It would indeed.

White Man Up

I’ve been pondering the mysteries of life recently, as I’m sure all you good Revolutionaries do, and I was struck with a thought.

Was it an idea?

Maybe. It’s hard to know sometimes whether or not you’ve truly had an idea or simply a musing. Whether, in the forest of the mind, you’ve actually arrived at the tree you want and plucked a peach, or you’ve simply found the grove where the peaches grow.

Or, perhaps, where the intellectually absurd go to describe their thought process?

… There may be a few of those lounging about. But that’s not the point!

Ok, so what’s the point? What’s your thought that may be an idea?

Well, it’s about women and black people.

Whoa, whoa!! This seems like a place we shouldn’t venture. I mean, we’re just a goofy little blog purporting to solve mankind’s problems in a silly way. It’s more of a satire than anything else. I’m not sure we can deal with weighty situations directly.

You may be right, but if we don’t talk about this at some point than I think we’d be doing a disservice to….. The Revolution.


Well. It seems you’ve brought out the big guns. Very well then, in service of The Revolution, tell me your thoughts about…… Women and Black people.


All right. So I was pondering the other day about some recent tragedies that have included both the vices of misogyny and racism, and it occurred to me that the whole issue may have a simple, if inelegant, solution.

At the time I was having a conversation about a community that spent much of their resources for the benefit of very few of those within their midst. When others had pointed out that they could have spent those resources to make everyone’s lives a little bit easier, the community simply noted that those who benefited were already at a significant disadvantage in life and, subsequently, it was just the right thing to do.

This people humbled themselves as a whole in order to help the few who were less fortunate attain a sense of equality and a feeling of being cherished. They did all this because it was the right thing to do.

Ok, hold on. We have to pause a moment so that every white male can get a twinge of guilt, make assumptions about what you’re trying to say and either write you off or champion you without ever getting to the end of this thought that may, or may not, be an idea.

Is it ok if we skip that part?

What? No. It’s an integral part of talking about race and gender in America. If you take away the guilt you take away the potential for rejection out of hand or ignorant declarations of absolute truth. You take away the hate filled arguments and constant disregard for people’s feelings on both sides. Basically, you take away the fun.

Yeah, I’m kind of bored with all that.

It’s the American way! How can you be bored with the American way?!

I don’t know. It just kind of happened one day.

Wow. I’m not really sure what to say. I– I guess it’s fine if you want to so something different. It wouldn’t be America if you weren’t allowed to be an idiot. I just– I don’t really know where to go from here. You were giving some extremely vague story about ultimate right versus momentary gain, and now… well I just don’t know how to feel.

You know, why don’t we start by addressing all those white men out there who might feel the same way.

A-a-all right. Let’s do that.

To all you white men out there who feel that irrepressible shock of guilt when these conversations come up and immediately start thinking to themselves, “I’m not a racist. Stop insinuating that I treat people worse based on the color of their skin! And I have always respected women. You can’t pin this on me! I’m a good person, damnit!”

I want you white men to know that in this moment right now, it’s not about you being racist or misogynistic. It’s not about your past dealings with people. It’s not about your friendships, where you live, or what jokes you’ve told. It is, in fact, not about you at all.

Wait, if it’s not about us at all then why are you even bringing it up?

Ok, that’s a fair point. Let me rephrase. The subject matter has nothing to do with you. Despite what you’ve felt. Despite what someone told you. Despite what you inferred from what someone told you, who didn’t know what they were talking about or didn’t know how to say it. This greater subject of racism and misogyny is not about you. It’s about historical realities that consistently pervade our group consciousness and actually affect the lives of specific people in our culture, namely women and people of color. Basically it’s about everyone but you. Oh, and of course it’s about your ancestors.

Wow. You really know how to make things clear.

You’re ancestors. You know, the white men who have been ruling this country from its inception and the men around the world who have kept women in a subjugated state from the beginning of recorded history?

Oh those ancestors. Yeah, way more clear.

Ok. The subject of racism and misogyny is the subject of previously institutionalize discrimination that still has an effect today. The reason we don’t have to have that guilt when the subject comes up is because we aren’t necessarily taking an active part. We have inherited this situation just like everyone else. What matters is not that we feel guilty about what our ancestors have done in the past, but instead what we decide to do with our future.

Ok. I’m starting to understand why you called this a thought and not an idea.

Ugh. Fine. I’ll try to simplify one more time.

Yes. I’m sure it will work this time.

First and foremost I want you to know two things:

1. Racism exists in our time and in our culture.

2. Misogyny exists in our time and our culture.

I know that these can be controversial statements, but if you notice I’m not giving any degrees by which they could be measured, because that’s usually when our defensiveness starts kicking in. Their simple existence isn’t usually in question. It’s when people try to pinpoint specifics in racial treatment or acts of sexism that it starts to feel like they’re lumping us all in with the perverts and the psychos and most of us begin to push back. Everyone can admit that racism and misogyny are in some way real and probably have affected people we know and care about. If you don’t know anyone who has been affected, then I suggest you go to whatever woman or black person you know and simply ask. Odds are high that they will tell you in specific ways how their life has been impacted. If you don’t want to talk to anyone about it, then that’s all right, we can simply assume you know someone and move on.

Now remember, I already said this isn’t about your past actions. I don’t want you to feel guilty. I don’t want to shame you at all. I, after all, am one of your ilk. I am a white male.

This is about institutions. It’s about the fact that black people and women have been subjugated and abused by our people and government in the past. Both of these groups have been kept from economic and social equality because of these abuses. In order to see this you simply have to look at the rich and the powerful, and find the features that most apparently unify them.

You and I were not the ones who subjugated them. You and I are not the grand perpetrators of this inequality. Those people are almost all dead. The ones that aren’t, well, they won’t be reading this far. But regardless of what we did or did not take part in, these groups are still suffering from these historic actions.

All right, fine. Enough with the summarizing and “simplifying”. What’s your point? These things happened but you don’t want anyone to feel guilty about it? Is that it, or are we actually headed somewhere in this ridiculous peach grove of your mind?

Yes. The point. Well, the point is actually a lot more simple than the set up, and here it is:

We should do the right thing and give up the power.

I’m sorry, what?

Racism and misogyny are wrong in any degree, right?

Yes. That is correct. They will always be wrong.

These people have been subjected to horrible treatments that have resulted in their social and economic inequality, right?

Yes, we’ve been over this. 

Based on those assumptions there’s only one action that would constitute “the right thing to do” despite what would make our lives a little easier, or our situations a little more economically sustainable. The average, every-day, American White Male needs to accept the realities of inequality and tell the world that they’re fine with giving up the security, authority, and power we’ve grown accustomed to in order to make right what our people have done wrong.

Yes, it will require sacrifice. We and our white male children will miss out on spots in colleges, promotions, and the knowledge that we will be first in our national priorities. But that is simply the reality of living in the wake of other men’s pride and ignorance.

Security, authority, and power should never have been primarily ours in the first place. They should have belonged to everyone. From the inception of our country there was inequality, between white and black, between male and female, and now we have the potential to finally declare all mankind was created equal. We have the power to make it right.

Like I said, this isn’t about guilt. If we are going to get anywhere we have to stop getting defensive about it and instead find out how we can change it. We have to humble ourselves and tell the world that we’re ready to give up aspects of our privileged life in order to see others raised up. However you’d like to do it, do it, but I think the most important part is making our voices heard. Over social media, within our communities, or simply to our families, as long as the message gets out it doesn’t matter where or how we communicate. I think it might be enough to have a million men on twitter declaring that they are willing to let go of the power, the authority, the security, and the status and make way for others.

In the end it will cost tax dollars, and as long as you desperately hold to the idea that nothing is really wrong, it will be very difficult for everyone. This is a moment to be humble. It’s a moment to see the truth and to do the right thing. I’m not sure how it will all take shape in the end, but I want to make it as easy as possible for it to start looking better.

This is way heavier than our normal posts.

Yeah, I really wanted to make a Robin Thicke joke, but couldn’t work it in.

Ha. That guy’s a douche. 

Yes he is. Yes he is.

The Quicksand Paradox a.k.a. The Chinese Finger Trap a.k.a. Stockholm Syndrome a.k.a. Life on the Internet

Once upon a time there was a genius-type-guy.

Was it Al Gore?

This genius-type-guy had a genius-type-idea in his head.

I’m betting it’s Al Gore.

He worked and he worked and he worked, all day, all night, and even some weekends.

Or at least he bought “work” credits on weekends.

And one day the genius-type-guy was able to take his genius-type-idea out of his head and put it in the real world.

I’m still betting on Al Gore, but now I’m thinking it could be John Crapper.

When it was in the real world, this genius-type-idea changed the way humans interacted with each other.

The shift from chamber pot to toilet did make a big difference in how people related.

No longer were they confined to difficult corporeal movement and speech, nor were they held back by the overwhelming nature of ideas that needed to be held and opened.

John did make certain movements easier, I suppose, but I’m starting to lean toward Al Gore again.

The archaic notion of pages was a thing of the past, and news gained the ability to travel, not weekly, or even daily, toward its intended recipient, but by the minute, or even the second, within which an event may have occurred.

Hmmmm. This is still a little reminiscent of indoor plumbing. Oh, wait! Is this the telephone? Either way, I think I’m sticking with Al Gore. He was all into that stuff.

The invention, of course, was the Internet.

Damn it! If it were almost anything else I could have made a case for Al Gore.

And I, honestly, have no idea who it’s true inventor was.

Wait, does that mean it could have been….No. Everyone knows that Al Gore had absolutely nothing to do with the Internet.

Yeah, I think it’s the one thing that our generation has truly bonded over.

That and a dislike for John Travolta.

Over the years that the Internet has been in broad use the world has shifted away from hand writing their journals, using the Postal Service, and reading newspapers. Instead they blog, email, and watch The Daily Show. It’s a trend that leaves behind the old, sluggish limitations of physicality and embraces a virtual world accessible by an easy to use terminal that one could maintain within their bedroom.

Or, more importantly, the toilet. Man, if our ancestors could see us now, accessing a global network of likeminded video gamers in the palm of our hand while dropping a deuce. Mr. Crapper would likely fulfill his namesake at such a sight.

Quite possibly the most important and influential aspect of the World Wide Web, is the possibilities surrounding the ideas of free speech and individual representation. With the current format of the Internet anyone and everyone could potentially present their mantra of philosophy, political affiliations, and simple ideas about the world to a nearly limitless audience.

Obviously there are limitations to this, as there are limitations to any system created by man, but the potential is there. With the right technique and voice a goofy blog containing the bizarre socio-political rantings of an unmotivated revolutionary could gain an audience of millions.

I think maybe nine people have read it so far.

Don’t be a buzzkill, we’re talking about possibilities here.

I’m just saying, we might need to figure out some of those “right techniques” you were mentioning.

We’re trying to start a revolution here, you can’t rush art— You know what? Forget it.

I have a feeling those nine people already did.

Stop it!

Isn’t there a point we’re building to?

If you’d lay off the self-deprication maybe I could get to that point.

Will you just get on with it. Whiner.

The point is that there is a huge potential for free speech and individual representation, but as the life of the Internet has progressed a startling paradox has grown out of this potential.

I have found, through close observation, that people don’t want to be alone. They don’t want to live alone, they don’t want to die alone, and they certainly don’t want to be alone in their opinions.

Because of this desire not to be alone, when there are large groups of unassociated people shouting their ideas, the ones who realize they are shouting the same thing tend to group up. These groups never stay stagnate, they either wither away through lack of participation, or grow larger through the converting of others or discovery by more likeminded people.

Over the Internet these groups bump into each other, sometimes battling, sometimes peacefully coexisting, but always growing larger or smaller. The interesting thing is that one person’s vehemence for free speech and specific representation seems to become amplified in the presence of more people with the same beliefs. Meaning that the more people you get together who desire the same thing, the more intense that desire is going to become, until it’s no longer a desire but a demand.

My wife put it brilliantly by saying that after a certain point these groups become the Borg.

Ok. Hang on. That was a huge twist. You have a wife?

What? Oh, yeah. I have a beautiful wife. She’s brilliant.

No you don’t.

Of course I do.

You don’t.

I do! Why wouldn’t I?

I don’t know, I’ve always just pictured you as some pekid middle-ager, with crust around his belly button, and carpal tunnel from video gaming. Would you marry that guy?

You know what? Just because I play video games and read comics-

See, you’re a total comic book nerd in his parents’ basement. You’re not married.

The social status of comic book nerds has risen dramatically in the last few years, thank you very much, and I do not live in my parents’ basement! I have a beautiful house, a beautiful and brilliant wife, and lovely children!

Just because you call your room a house and have named your computer and x-box does not mean you’re living the American Family dream.

You know what? Believe whatever you want to believe, but I’m telling you I have a wife and she said that people on the internet become like the Borg.

Yeah, that was kind of weird too. You should probably explain what that means and we’ll leave your hallucinations for another time.

Right. Well, it means that each group becomes so passionate about their own ideals born of free speech, that they start seeing the world in binary code, 1s and 0s, or in this sense the “with us”s and the “against us”s, and their mission shifts from spread the word to assimilate. They begin to see resistance towards their ideals, or what could be called “other people’s free speech”, as a challenge or declaration of war.

Thus you get thousands of little Borg cubes avoiding rational discourse and instead just trying to assimilate one another. One person’s individual representation becomes a hive mind, and their free speech becomes the tool that silences free speech in others.

It’s like quicksand, or a Chinese finger trap. The more you move the more you’re limited in your movements. The Borg cubes are out there forcing each person to be assimilated or destroyed. Their cultural distinctiveness is added to the collective and the new converts are forced into a kind of sic-fi Stockholm syndrome where they embrace and become their abusers.

Phew, I wasn’t sure we were gonna get all those parts of the title in here.

The cubes typically have their queens or kings that are used to represent the individuality that was once embraced before the collective. These lords of the internet are usually charming and well spoken, a reasonable proof that what the collective believes can be rational and helpful to the whole. But that individuality becomes a facade for the drones to hide behind, instead of a path to self service and ideological freedom.

I hope someday I have drones.

The take away is that there is a paradox embedded within the framework of our internet lives. Mankind’s inherent insecurity and need for connection have provided that the more we engage in free speech the more likely we are to keep others form engaging as well.

Is this fate unavoidable? Is mankind unable to move past their aggressive nature and truly find peace in tolerance? Are we all destined to become Borg drones serving without question, attacking, and assimilating until only one philosophy remains?

Of course not. Some of us will become Lords of the Internet and conquer the ideological landscape, bending it to our will, breaking all who would stand before us, and become LAZY CHE, RULER OF ALL VIRTUAL DOMAINS AND INDISPUTABLE VICTOR OF ALL CULTURE!!!!

Observational Morality

It’s a funny world we live in.

Funny “Ha, Ha”, or funny “weird”?

Well, it’s funny like Mel Brooks’ movies, so a little bit of both with a healthy dose of totally offensive.

Sometimes I feel it’s more like a Bret Ratner movie. Loud, nonsensical, and you mostly laugh in the hopes that it’ll be over sooner.

It’s really the interactions of the world that provide the most interesting contextual oddities. Race relations, gender relations, religious relations.

Stop saying the word “relations”.

The social part of society has some of the weirdest trends, fads, and systems. Logic often seems to take a vacation when people are trying to figure out how best to interact with someone of an unfamiliar station or ideology. They stop seeing humans and start seeing propaganda, dollar signs, percentages.

A flat bill or curved bill on your hat.

We’ve dealt with this for countless generations. In fact, I would be surprised if there were any part of human history where people didn’t first associate stereotypes with nearly every person they encounter.

Seriously, people notice whether you have a flat or curved bill, and it makes a difference to them.

There is no novelty in this epidemic of thought. However, the way each generation decides to handle it does have their unique blend of resolutions entangled within.

I mean, it’s just a hat, right? I should be able to wear whatever I want on my head without getting weird looks.

The millennial generation, of course, has it’s own unique blend of resolutions as well as their own issues at the heart of each resolution. They’re mainly simplistic in nature and not very difficult to identify throughout the stream of absurd mass consciousness that is the way they respond to the world.

Unless it’s a WWII German helmet, or a trucker hat that says “Ayn Randy”, than I think I should be able to walk down the street in peace.

Through Facebook, Twitter, blogs, and coffee conversations, there is one major thought that Millennials have toward the religions, politics, economics, civil rights, and basic interactions of the last few centuries. They just don’t like it.

I could possibly see a few strange looks if I were wearing derby covered in astro turf, or a viking helmet that had mannequin hands instead of horns, but other than that, there’s no justification for the cross eyed glances.

Millennials are leaving organized religion in droves. They feel that they’ve seen past the fundamentalist chicanery and now lump the church in with the politicians who would rather control people and get rich than actually help the poor souls they talk so much about.

I suppose if I had a newsie cap made of fingernails, or a big hat with a picture of Channing Tatum snuggling a Na’vi, then I could understand. 

This, of course, isn’t bringing about the real answers. This is the trend that everyone talks about whenever an issue of morality or religion comes across the media. “Millennials, who are leaving the church in droves, really… don’t like this.” The real answers have, until recently, been so nebulous and decentralized that, even if the media wanted to report on the next step in Millennial thought, there wasn’t enough cohesion to guess what it was.

What are we talking about again? Relations?

Now, the world is a slightly different place. Millennials are starting to form a consensus of belief, or at least the really loud ones are starting to say the same thing. What they want more than anything else, is that we all just get along.

Wait, is this the new hippie movement? Is this about free love and Woodstock?

No, not exactly.

Good, cause I thought we finally killed Woodstock and it’d be a shame for come back after all our hard work rioting and burning things. 

The kind of relativism and new age philosophy that defined our parents has fallen by the wayside. Millennials have seen the logical incongruity in relativism, and so, while they appreciate the sentiment of letting everyone believe what they want, they know a more concrete ideology is necessary for the future. In that light, they have developed what I am calling Observational Morality.

Of course, a Zombie Woodstock would fit right in with the modern zeitgeist. Oh, Oh! It would be so awesome if the whole festival became corporealized into one giant half-human, half-concert stage zombie monster that razed the world with its eerie, distorted guitar solos and unquenchable hunger for human flesh infused with LSD.

Wait, what?

LSD. You know, acid.

You’re extra weird today.

You’re extra boring.

Observational Morality is essentially a belief system that distances itself from the metaphysics of fundamentalism by embracing only those interactions that have an observable benefit. In other words, religions don’t matter, being nice matters. Relativism left the door open for belief systems that were inherently cruel, i.e. the argument that if all beliefs are valid than Hitler’s are too. Observational morality, on the other hand, allows for people to believe whatever they want in the privacy of their own mind, but once your views start affecting other people you’re no longer in the territory of “anything goes”.

Is that a U.S. Territory?

There’s a kind of triumphant attitude in place surrounding Observational Morality, and it’s easy to see why. One could argue that the only consistencies across religious philosophies are the ones that relate to external kindness. Naturally there are arguments to be made about the emphasis each religion puts on these external kindnesses, but the greater point is that, regardless of emphasis, each religion does have a set of kind actions that are meant to be adhered to. This gives credence to the idea that an observational morality is really the only kind one needs.

Could the 51st state be Anything Goes? ‘Cause that would be awesome.

The most interesting aspect of Observational Morality is that it truly does cross cultural boundaries. Both religious and non-religious people are beginning to accept this philosophy as primary. This is where Millennials go when they leave the church. They embrace the Universal Church of Life, where there are no manipulative authority figures, no difficult judgments related to eternal life or spirituality, and no reason to turn away their friends and family that follow other systems of belief. Everyone is allowed whatever private beliefs they want as long as they adhere to the Observational Morality in their outward lives.

The perks are obvious. We live in a world that is starting to embrace homogeneity in their outward appearance. In a way, this seems to be the natural progression for our society. The disadvantages lie in the basic nature of absolute truth. Meaning that this is essentially just a more logical form of relativism, and as such does not answer the necessary metaphysical questions of life, the universe, and everything.

42! 42!

This, Our Human Race

I was considering life and existence earlier today, and after the obvious stops at The Wheel of Morality…

Turn Turn Turn

Thanos’ fall in the original Infinity Gauntlet…

Yes the comic book, people. Settle down

and Jeff Winger’s first big speech in Community…

Can we really forgive Ben Affleck?

I began to truly consider the plight that our generation is in.

I mean, sure, Hollywood can forgive him and start handing him awards, but they still like Roman Polanski and that guy is actual scum.

The real problem is that beyond all the irrational, and sometimes just mean, articles written about Millennials’ laziness and apathy, there is a true sense of being lost. Certainly not the kind of lost that the previous generations would have you believe. The false notion of apathy comes from our actual disillusionment with the systems created and guarded by our parents and their parents before them, and laziness couldn’t be further from the truth. Generation Y is full of determined workers, devoted thinkers, and generally people of action. 

Which is something, of course, we’re trying to avoid with this blog.

The reason older people think we’re lazy is because we’re afforded more time to figure out our life, and we take it. But then, that brings me to a moment where the question becomes clear. What are we going to do with our lives? You see, there’s a burden that comes with being the Internet Generation, and it’s one that I don’t think people expected. We can see everything.

And yes, it’s that same kind of “see everything” that happens when you’re grandpa sits down in his robe and you realize that he’s just wearing a robe.

We have the whole of collected history before our eyes. With hardly lifting a finger, we watch Grandpa History wander around the house thinking that he’s fully covered. And we’re scarred. Throughout the past the robe was tightly closed, because you had to sift through endless amounts of literature, interview the intelligentsia, and painstakingly put it all together. Then you would put it in a book and try to tell the rest of the world what Grandpa’s mole looks like. 

Looks a little like Idaho, actually.

But now, the robe hangs loosely. Which, breaking away from the disturbing metaphor

Thank God.

has some really amazing benefits. We get to see the triumphs of humanity. We get to piece together cultural shifts, concentrate whole centuries into paragraphs, and simply get a better understanding of this, our human race. There’s a beauty to it, an elegance to the simplicity with which knowledge can float at our fingertips. The problem is that when you look throughout Humanity’s triumphs, the great gloss which represents our existential heritage, you realize that gloss is actually made of plastic, and it’s kind of a shitty plastic, and who skimped on the materials, and how did you make this thing anyway, and isn’t that going to kill the factory workers who have to keep breathing that stuff in? In essence, when you see humanity’s triumphs, you can’t help but see their utter failures.

Like Daredevil, and Gigli. 

We see their shame, and we feel it. How can we not? It’s clear as day. So, look on the bright side, you say? Just keep looking at the triumphs and know how far humanity can really go? Well, that’s just the thing. People have done some amazing things. In fact, people have done a lot of amazing things. They’ve done so many, that what the hell else are we going to do? It’s as if we are so aware of the whole past that we can’t figure out how to distinguish ourselves. Every other generation just had to distinguish themselves from the one before it. If that’s all we had to do it would be easy.

Seriously, Wall Street, Afghanistan, “Paycheck”, did they do anything right?

And on the other hand, we do see what the last generation did wrong. We see how clearly broken it is, but it fits perfectly into the brokenness of history. What are we, to stand as ants against the giant boulder of human suck.

What were you saying about apathy?

If we want to make a difference we must not only stand against our parent’s wrong decisions, we must stand against the wrong decisions of all of the parents for a thousand years or more. This breeds a certain type of disillusionment. The system isn’t simply broken it was built with broken pieces that were also made out of broken pieces. The idea of both capitalism and socialism as perfect options fails completely for us, because we’ve seen these systems fail. In fact, we’ve seen all the systems that man has ever tried fail. And what of our successes? Of Science and Technology, and Freedom? It’s true that we have made scientific breakthroughs beyond our grandparent’s wildest dreams, and whoever chooses to take up the mantle of science will be rewarded with a future only described in Science Fiction. But we are not all scientists. The rest of us are left with our unlimited Freedom to try and decipher our purpose and fate on a metaphysical level. It’s as if our consciousness has been upgraded, and we’re still reeling from a new found awareness. What do we do with this life? Everything that can be done has already been done. Even if we made it to the stars wouldn’t we just end up describing them on twitter more than we actually looked at them? Would that even be a bad thing, I mean at least we’re not killing people?

I think the key to understanding this generation is somewhere in there. Like all other generations, they desperately want to be defined. In fact, more so, because they know how it works. They’ve seen the generation defining process and they really want theirs to be a good one.

The Bat-Fleck Generation?

But how do you find definition from the entire catalog of generations before you? How can you see what you are if you constantly have all of history pushed in your face? My guess is that you freak out a little bit and instead just spend too much time on Facebook.

The truth is that, as every generation rebels against that which came before them, we’re trying to rebel against the entire historical perspective. We want to show that we’re different than humanity. We refuse to be defined by a war or a depression. We absolutely won’t be limited by the ideal of simply rebelling against the establishment. We want to be something more.

So, it might take us a little longer to really bring definition to this generation, but as far as all your names go, Millennials and such, you can keep ’em. How you like them apples?

Boom! In your…..wait. No! AAAAAAFFLEEEEEEEEEECK!!


Music soothes the suave beast……. Music sages the savage boast… senses the stoic blintze?

No. I mean…well, yes music does do all those things, actually, but I’m stopping this right here.


Well, you were getting out if control and we actually have something to say about this. So let’s just focus for a minute and get it said.

Ha. That’s kind of like “git-er-done”. Get-it-said! I almost like that more than our current mantra.

You don even remember what our current slogan is.


I can’t be bothered with this right now.

You do remember!

Oh, right, yes. We can’t be bothered! Lazy Che Revolution! I’ve always liked that.

Well, it does roll off the tongue… You’re doing it again.


Getting us off track. I can’t even remember why we’re here!


Ah, yes. Music. Let’s talk about music.


Stop it.


Stop it!


STOP! Music, we’re talking about music. Specifically in regards to modern music and the oddities it embraces.

Barometric readings.

Ignore him. Music is the bending of sonic waves to the will of one’s emotional output. It is possibly the most innate form of art in the human experience. It’s true that some people can’t hold a tune to save their lives, but if you really take notice, that doesn’t mean that they stop trying.

Mortar rounds.

For those that have given up the practice, at least in public, you’d be hard pressed to find any of them that won’t sit satisfied in the presence of someone who really can sing.

Seismic scissor kicks.

Will you stop!?! Why are you doing this?

You’re about to say some very derogatory things about popular music and, to be honest, I don’t think I agree with them.

So what, you’re going to filibuster me?

That’s the plan.


It’s a perfectly reasonable form of political protest, and an efficient use of my powers under our constitution. Most people would consider me a patriot.

This is ridiculous. We are the same person writing from different view points, not some kind of national committee. You can’t filibuster your own brain!

Sure you can. Have you ever had a song stuck in your head that was so tedious and annoying that it kept you from focusing?

Well, yes.

Boom. Brain filibustered. Have you ever been in a position where you were supposed to be working and instead you couldn’t stop thinking about how to get across that chasm in the original Metroid Prime?


Boom. Brain filibustered.

Now I feel like you’re just making up excuses for why we were so unproductive in high school.

If you’re about to take an action that part of you really doesn’t want to take, in that moment, you are fully susceptible to brain filibustering. The other part of you nags you with unimportant garbage, dressed up like the greater good, and keeps you from following through until you’ve run out of time and lost the opportunity.

I had no idea our conscious minds were so much like the congressional branch of our government.

Oh, it goes much, much deeper than that.

It does? How?

It’ll have to be some other time, because we’ve just run out.

Wait, no! I was going to say–

Boom. Brain filibustered.


I’m feeling a bit stale. Let’s shake things up a bit.

I had a few other posts about societal scaffolding I planned to write, but really, planning is inherently against what this blog stands for. We can’t be bothered, remember. So let’s dig deep into what takes the least amount of effort and find something a little more worthy of our time.

Not long ago, it seemed that the great debate of our generation was Pirates vs. Ninjas. We wondered, mused and debated about whether billowing sails, bottles of rum, general unwashedness and the endless adventures of the sea were more compelling than secret movements, ultra sharp blades, pinpoint accuracy, and a silent life of discipline amongst the shadows.

Where did this debate come from? Was it really worth our time?

Who cares.

The one innately important feature of that argument was the argument itself. The oddly pointless scenario, pitting the silent souls against the drunken cutlass. The hours spent delving into our minds cultural storehouses, identifying and preparing not a more important argument, but a more clever one. Thus we slay our opponent with a piece of ourselves. Be he friend, neighbor or actual foe, he will invariably fall victim to our superior wit as we hold dearly to a superfluous identification of our ethereal selves. The purpose of these arguments, it seems, is to cement in ourselves, and others, a sense of superior identification and ideological situation.

Wow. You’re really giving this game a harsh tone. It doesn’t have to be that deep, you know. It could just be a silly set of argumentation that allows for a kind of getting-to-know-you moment.

I suppose that’s possible. But this “game” as you call it was always accompanied by strained courtesies and deliberately offensive statements.  A simple “getting-to-know-you moment” would only exist in a place free from angry tones and cheeky demeanor.

That’s ridiculous. Just because people get heated in a debate doesn’t meant they aren’t growing actually growing closer to one another. And “cheeky”? Really? What are we Margaret Thatcher, now? Saluting the Queen, having dental problems and drinking a pin’ o’ bi’er?

First of all, Margaret Thatcher doesn’t have a monopoly on ridiculous English words. Secondly, you forgot protecting the Falkland Islands and being played brilliantly by Meryl Streep. Thirdly, you and I both know that we’d rather be sitting in a pub with a pint of quality beer right now.

Well, yeah, Meryl Streep is always brilliant, and I’d be out of my mind if I said I wasn’t craving some good ale at this second. But weren’t we about to have a metaphysically scintillating argument about how the “sake of argument” has gripped this country more than a desire to actually work out real problems or discover a real identity for ourselves and those around us?

Yeah. We were. But that sounds like a lot of work now. And we get very distracted when anyone brings up beer.

Yeah. Beer….mmmmmmmm.

I know, right?

As true as that may be, don’t you think we should give these people more than a half hearted attempt at indicting this culture in its argumentative ways?

No. That would fully set itself against the ideological set up of this blog. We’re not meant to have a fully realized agenda or a clear cut program, even through individual posts.

Wait a minute. I’m not talking about a fully realized agenda. I’m talking about finishing what we started. We absolutely set up the idea that each post would follow a particular theme. This one’s theme is that most arguments today fall short of any sort of building up or helpful progression and instead aggrandize dislocated and meaningless details for the sake of presenting ourselves in the most aggressively favorable light possible! That’s what we’re talking about! That’s how we should finish!

Oh, so you think bringing Margaret Thatcher into this was a good idea? Huh?!?

You’re the one who started using colloquialisms! I was just pointing out how stupid that was!!

Don’t you put two exclamation points on that sentence! It’s rude and unseemly!

Oh, yeah, mister question mark, exclamation point, question mark? Unseemly this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You rat bastard!!!!!!! I will slap those exclamation points right off your face!!!!!


That’s it! I’m done! This was a stupid idea anyway! Everyone knows that pirates are WAY better than ninjas!

Maybe in the land of imbeciles and fart eaters! But in the land of macho awesomeness Ninja rule!!

At least pirates can drink beer! Ninjas only drink stupid sake.

Pirates drink rum, you dolt.

Really? Well, who drinks beer then?

Cowboys, maybe?

I suppose, so. Whiskey and beer. I always thought it was more whiskey than beer, though.

Oh! Oh! You know who drank a lot of beer?


Ancient Egyptians.


Yeah. Weird I know, but totally true.

Well, than I wan to be an ancient Egyptian.

Me too.